Well, I'm not in Seattle right now, but I'm not in Alaska either. I decided to give myself a break from life and come to the Bay Area to hang out with my Godparents and their family. So I roamed around San Francisco yesterday and today I'm hanging out in Walnut Creek. I sat for a while yesterday at Pier 39 and wondered about what I should do with my summer. Should I go to the Dominican Republic? Should I go to Greece? Or should I just wander around the US stopping wherever I know people? Which one would I regret not doing the most. Not necessarily which one would I like to do the most, but which one would I look back on and just think, "If only I had done that..." So, I think about the future but try to not let it consume my thoughts. I'm still trying to take things one day at a time. Easier said than done in some cases, but I sure as hell am growing because of it. So, life is good. Not because anything has happened to make it a better day, but because nothing has happened to make it a bad day. Things could be a lot worse.
And on the Haines front, it looks like I'm not going back for a while... like until the fall or so. It makes me sad, but it'll be good too.
oh, and check this out... hilarious!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
At least people in Seattle are happy
So far, as a result of my decision to stay, I have been out to dinner at Daniel's Broiler and I have been able to partake in a bottle of Dom Perignon Champage. Can anyone say James Bond's favorite? It's nice to know that people around these parts are glad that I'm sticking around...
Now if only things would just find some stability in these parts...
Now if only things would just find some stability in these parts...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Or not....
Plans change... and I don't entirely know what is going on. I'm not going back to Haines just yet. Not for at least a few weeks anyway. I'm not ready to go back and face the way things are and all that goes along with that in Haines. I still need to work on me a little bit. I feel like I have grown a ton over the past few months. I have nothing to prove in going back. I'm not going to show that I haven't done anything wrong or to try to convince people up there that I am right and that anything else is wrong. I'll go back when I feel more ready to go back. I don't know when that will be. I feel like I finally have just let God have the crap... mostly. I know that I'm still holding on to some of it, but I'm letting go. So, I'll go back when I feel like God has made me ready enough to do that. Who am I to say when that will be? I'm excited again. I'm excited to see where God will take me and when He will take me there. But I'm not in a rush.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Still confused
How I'm doing...
I wonder if one day I might ever really be not confused. I doubt it. It's ok, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating. I just want to know what I think at the very least, but I feel like sometimes I even question that. I'm going back to Haines on the 11th of January, and I'm working between now and then... at least that's the plan. The only thing that I have been really sure of lately is that God has a whole lot better of an idea of what the hell I am doing than I do. So I trust. Most of the time. When I'm not trusting, I'm freaking out really good. One could call this right here freaking out a little...
Soap Box time...
I have decided that Christmas is a commercial curse, relational drain, and spiritual blessing all rolled into one. I even heard someone refer to it as giftmas today. I almost wanted to hurl. That's Target shoppers for ya... and don't even get me started on their plastic consumption... but I was thinking about how Christmas should be the most sacred of holidays, but it's not at all treated that way. Otherwise I wouldn't be working until 7 on Christmas Eve so everyone who forgot that incredibly important last minute gift can rush to Target to buy some crap. That's not what it is. I don't even like Christmas season all that much... Call me scrooge. I don't care. It's about me and Jesus and me being so incredibly thankful for the gift that he gave us. That's so cliche, but what I've been thinking about this Christmas season.
Prayer Requests...
~That I trust rather than freak out
~That I can take a car back to Haines with me
~That Christmas would take on the vaules that matter most
~That Carlos really would get to go home on the 7th of January if that would be the best place for him
~That when I go back to Haines, things aren't awkward up there
I wonder if one day I might ever really be not confused. I doubt it. It's ok, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating. I just want to know what I think at the very least, but I feel like sometimes I even question that. I'm going back to Haines on the 11th of January, and I'm working between now and then... at least that's the plan. The only thing that I have been really sure of lately is that God has a whole lot better of an idea of what the hell I am doing than I do. So I trust. Most of the time. When I'm not trusting, I'm freaking out really good. One could call this right here freaking out a little...
Soap Box time...
I have decided that Christmas is a commercial curse, relational drain, and spiritual blessing all rolled into one. I even heard someone refer to it as giftmas today. I almost wanted to hurl. That's Target shoppers for ya... and don't even get me started on their plastic consumption... but I was thinking about how Christmas should be the most sacred of holidays, but it's not at all treated that way. Otherwise I wouldn't be working until 7 on Christmas Eve so everyone who forgot that incredibly important last minute gift can rush to Target to buy some crap. That's not what it is. I don't even like Christmas season all that much... Call me scrooge. I don't care. It's about me and Jesus and me being so incredibly thankful for the gift that he gave us. That's so cliche, but what I've been thinking about this Christmas season.
Prayer Requests...
~That I trust rather than freak out
~That I can take a car back to Haines with me
~That Christmas would take on the vaules that matter most
~That Carlos really would get to go home on the 7th of January if that would be the best place for him
~That when I go back to Haines, things aren't awkward up there
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Oh Seattle...
Lonelier
All I have been doing lately is working, watching tv, and playing on the internet... I have never worked as much as I'm working right now... not even including schoolwork :) I feel like all of the things that I have been doing have been by myself. Sometimes there are people all around me, but I feel alone anyway... It's so weird.
Oh yeah, I've also been working on my spanish with a Columbian, Javier, who is up visiting his brother Carlos, the one who had a stroke (He's doing a lot better, but still has a long, long road ahead of him).
For some reason, I feel lonely here. I miss running into people I know wherever I go. I miss living with someone who I hang out with all the time because we don't really have any other options. I miss the cold, clear air. I miss being surrounded by moutains. I miss going to church on Sunday in a place where people would miss me if I wasn't there. I miss the kids that I was getting to know. I miss Guitar Hero 2. I miss the life that I feel like I started up there. I miss Haines, A LOT.
But I'm not in Haines. I'm in Shoreline most of the time. So, I need to make the most of that. But it's hard. I feel so much more alone in a city with more people than the entire state of Alaska than I do in a town the size of a couple UW classes.
I still have no idea what things will look like when I get back to Haines, but now, more than ever, I feel like I belong there. I'm even thinking about going back without a car, so I can go back sooner... whoa...
All I have been doing lately is working, watching tv, and playing on the internet... I have never worked as much as I'm working right now... not even including schoolwork :) I feel like all of the things that I have been doing have been by myself. Sometimes there are people all around me, but I feel alone anyway... It's so weird.
Oh yeah, I've also been working on my spanish with a Columbian, Javier, who is up visiting his brother Carlos, the one who had a stroke (He's doing a lot better, but still has a long, long road ahead of him).
For some reason, I feel lonely here. I miss running into people I know wherever I go. I miss living with someone who I hang out with all the time because we don't really have any other options. I miss the cold, clear air. I miss being surrounded by moutains. I miss going to church on Sunday in a place where people would miss me if I wasn't there. I miss the kids that I was getting to know. I miss Guitar Hero 2. I miss the life that I feel like I started up there. I miss Haines, A LOT.
But I'm not in Haines. I'm in Shoreline most of the time. So, I need to make the most of that. But it's hard. I feel so much more alone in a city with more people than the entire state of Alaska than I do in a town the size of a couple UW classes.
I still have no idea what things will look like when I get back to Haines, but now, more than ever, I feel like I belong there. I'm even thinking about going back without a car, so I can go back sooner... whoa...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The past...
So this song not only made me laugh, but also confirmed the thoughts that I had about the past. It's always easier to reflect on the past because clearly, I made it out of that ok. Sure, there might have been some things that could have been done better, but I made it. What makes me laugh is that sometimes it seems like the present is just going on forever and ever, but soon, it will be the past too. I think of how junior high and high school, and even a little college, seem like a blur to me now, but at the time it seemed like it might kill me. HA! So all I can do is look in hope to the future, without worry, and know that I'm not in control, and that's better than just ok.
So, here's the lyrics from Chris Rice's Song "8th Grade" that made me laugh a little.
Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know me made it
And why do we worry about the future?
When every day will come just the way the Lord ordained it
You can believe it, yeah, just like the 8th grade
And here's some prayer requests too :)
~Carlos, a family friend, who had a massive stroke on Monday. He's doing a little better, but still has a long road ahead of him
~That I don't worry about the future or focus on the past, but just do the best I can with every day that faces me
~That I won't miss Haines too much and start to resent Seattle a little bit again
So, here's the lyrics from Chris Rice's Song "8th Grade" that made me laugh a little.
Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know me made it
And why do we worry about the future?
When every day will come just the way the Lord ordained it
You can believe it, yeah, just like the 8th grade
And here's some prayer requests too :)
~Carlos, a family friend, who had a massive stroke on Monday. He's doing a little better, but still has a long road ahead of him
~That I don't worry about the future or focus on the past, but just do the best I can with every day that faces me
~That I won't miss Haines too much and start to resent Seattle a little bit again
Monday, December 3, 2007
Taraget...
In case you were wondering, I work at the self-proclaimed "best company ever." It's not too bad. Also, I'm going to do some work at the good ole Federal Mortgage. "REALLY?" you may ask. Well, I want a car. Preferably an old Subaru (maybe even as old as me) that has 4wd and will run for freaking ever. Yep. That's right.
Friday, November 30, 2007
"What's so Amazing About Grace?"
I have been reading that book by Philip Yancey. Some of the things hit me pretty hard, so I decided that I am going to share them...
"Why should I make the first move? I was the one wronged. So I make no move, and cracks in the relationship appear, then widen. In time, a chasm yawns open that seems impossible to cross. I feel sad, but seldom do I accept the blame. Instead, I justify myself and point out the small gestures I made toward reconciliation. I keep a mental accounting of those attempts so as to defend myself if I am ever blamed for the rift. I flee from the risk of grace to the security of ungrace."
"I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yeilding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago."
"Forgive" shows up in 121 verses in Today's New International Version and 140 in the New Living Translation. It's not a suggestion. But it is something that I have found extremely difficult. I have trouble forgiving the way I was treated by my friends in high school and forgiving myself for the way I acted toward them. It's almost impossible for me to forgive my grandfather. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. To me, what's so amazing about grace is that not only is it freely given to me by God, but I'm called to give it just as freely to everyone in my life. Whoa dang.
"...forgive us our sins,as we forgive those who sin against us..."
"Why should I make the first move? I was the one wronged. So I make no move, and cracks in the relationship appear, then widen. In time, a chasm yawns open that seems impossible to cross. I feel sad, but seldom do I accept the blame. Instead, I justify myself and point out the small gestures I made toward reconciliation. I keep a mental accounting of those attempts so as to defend myself if I am ever blamed for the rift. I flee from the risk of grace to the security of ungrace."
"I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying. Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain. I have to approach God again and again, yeilding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago."
"Forgive" shows up in 121 verses in Today's New International Version and 140 in the New Living Translation. It's not a suggestion. But it is something that I have found extremely difficult. I have trouble forgiving the way I was treated by my friends in high school and forgiving myself for the way I acted toward them. It's almost impossible for me to forgive my grandfather. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. To me, what's so amazing about grace is that not only is it freely given to me by God, but I'm called to give it just as freely to everyone in my life. Whoa dang.
"...forgive us our sins,as we forgive those who sin against us..."
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Questions to Ponder
Questions I've been pondering lately...
~Does one have to forgive and forget?
~What if one can't forget?
~What about "fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me?"
~How far should turning the other cheek go?
~Why are the Huskies incapable of winning a close game?
~Will they get any better in the near future?
~Why does my mother feed squirrels?
~How many games of football can one watch in a weekend?
~Where are all those secret worlds in Donkey Kong Country 2
~Where do I want to work? (code for: best employee discounts)
Hmmm...
~Does one have to forgive and forget?
~What if one can't forget?
~What about "fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me?"
~How far should turning the other cheek go?
~Why are the Huskies incapable of winning a close game?
~Will they get any better in the near future?
~Why does my mother feed squirrels?
~How many games of football can one watch in a weekend?
~Where are all those secret worlds in Donkey Kong Country 2
~Where do I want to work? (code for: best employee discounts)
Hmmm...
Saturday, November 24, 2007
in Bend...
Thanksgiving weekend has been pretty cool. Chilling with the family (especially the newest member) and eating large amounts of food while watching football. Here is a picture of the cutest kid I've seen in a while.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Squirrels???
My big adventure since I have been back in Seattle has been feeding the squirrels in the backyard. I think Jamie and Ethel named this one Chuck. Anyway, I've been trying to take it pretty easy since I got back to Seattle.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Wha Happa?
I don't know what's going on. I feel so confused most of the time. I hardly know where I am now, let alone what has happened or what might happen in the near future. I guess this is a prime example in my life of how I just need to let God have complete control... I just didn't think it would be this hard.
Oh, and that's a picture of an eagle that I took, just for kicks.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
You say goodbye and I say hello...
I leave Haines in about two hours. It sucks. The situation that I have found myself in lately sucks. What is really comforting to me though is that I feel like the community has rallied around me. Many people that I have gotten to know here have made it known that they love me and want me to come back when things get a little better. I'm sad to leave, but I know that I have to. I know that I have to get away from the situation here (If you want more details, give me a call). Just this morning I was talking to someone who said that I have gone through the most hurtful thing that she has ever seen and she is confident that I am strong enough to get through all of this. So, goodbye Haines, hello Seattle and hopefully emotional and spiritual recovery.
prayer requests
~the director and direction of this ministry
~my recovery from being so badly hurt by people i thought cared about me.
~safe travel
prayer requests
~the director and direction of this ministry
~my recovery from being so badly hurt by people i thought cared about me.
~safe travel
Thursday, November 8, 2007
My breakup with Haines
Haines and I are taking a break from each other right now. We decided to start seeing other people. We remain open for a future relationship, but at this point in time, we have decided that it would be best for both of us if we took a break from each other for a while. We will have one last fling as my brother comes into town tomorrow and we hang out in the beauty of Haines for the weekend, but after that, I will be leaving SE AK for the remainder of 2007.
I know that I love Haines, and part of me always will, but I have some stuff that I need to work out a bit on my own before I can go back. Even being in Juneau for the past couple days has helped. I'll continue the blog updates as I am back in the seattle area for the rest of the calendar year so you all can remain updated on how I am doing as I try to see how I can work out the negativity that I have towards myself.
My big problem seems to be that I have made other peoples' opinions of me more important than my own opinion or God's opinion, and Haines feeds that problem pretty well, so I'm going to go try to work through it in a place where I am not as tempted to continue pushing on doing new things all the time.
prayer requests
~the ministry that i feel like i abandoned
~the relationships that i started to build and am now leaving
~that i can re-center myself on what matters and not worry about the opinions of others quite as much
I know that I love Haines, and part of me always will, but I have some stuff that I need to work out a bit on my own before I can go back. Even being in Juneau for the past couple days has helped. I'll continue the blog updates as I am back in the seattle area for the rest of the calendar year so you all can remain updated on how I am doing as I try to see how I can work out the negativity that I have towards myself.
My big problem seems to be that I have made other peoples' opinions of me more important than my own opinion or God's opinion, and Haines feeds that problem pretty well, so I'm going to go try to work through it in a place where I am not as tempted to continue pushing on doing new things all the time.
prayer requests
~the ministry that i feel like i abandoned
~the relationships that i started to build and am now leaving
~that i can re-center myself on what matters and not worry about the opinions of others quite as much
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