if my feelings were a song...

I have no idea what the title would be. It just sounded like a good title for a blog post. Searching the words "don't" and "know" in my iTunes left not good conclusions about what my song title would be. But the notion that I typed in those two words should give you some clue about how I feel about things. I don't know. I work at a coffee shop. Check. But that isn't what I really want to do with my life. I'm almost positive I'm going to start school in July to get my Masters in Teaching, but is that really what I want to do? I don't know. I was offered a spot to travel the country for a couple months doing a sort of puppet ministry, but is that really what I want to do? I don't know. I live in Haines and I love it, but is it really where I want to be? I don't know. I don't know what life is going to bring me in the next few months or even weeks, let alone in the next few years. I guess it's a good thing that I believe in a God that has my future all figured out, cuz I sure don't. Now if I could only figure out how to trust in that a little more...

For those who keep updated on my life through my blog

I am in Seattle for two reasons:
1) my grandfather died this past weekend
2) I couldn't find a job in Haines and my uncle said he had some work for me at his office down here

I technically live in Haines, but I have spent a significant amount of time in Seattle since I moved there in November (see points 1 and 2 above).

I don't know what I'm going to do with my future. Possibilities include:
1) going to University of Alaska Southeast to get my masters in teaching
2) moving to Vancouver and becoming Canadian to enjoy the Olympics next winter
3) finding a real job in Haines and staying there for a whlie
4) moving far, far away to go see something new

I live in a house with a friend and her three dogs. Love the friend. Hate the dogs. And our house is cold because it's really expensive to keep it warm.

I will do whatever I can to live in Alaska over the summer because I'm tired of spending cold months there and leaving when it gets bareable in just one layer of clothing. And if I can be in Alaska for at least 9 months, then they'll pay me next year :)

almost a month...

well, four weeks anyway. it seems like i've been here for so much longer. of course, if that were true, then i would have worked a little harder on finding a second job, but whatever.
it's still so good to be here. i still have no idea what my future holds, but for right now, i totally trust that i am where i am supposed to be, and that is a great feeling. on the other hand, its only 4:00 and it's totally dark outside. that's not so cool.

My Future...

~is up in the air
~makes me wonder
~has endless possibilities
~makes me excited
~scares me a little
~is known by someone bigger than me
~holds a few surprises
~will be amazing

Things will be good when...

Life is... good. I'm stoked for where things are going, but lately I feel like I've been looking forward too much and not living in the moment enough. Sometimes I feel like I've checked out and I'm just coasting until June when I can head to the Dominican. But I have been living that way for a long time. I constantly have these goals that I say, "life will be good when..." Right now, my thought is "life will be good when I can head down to the DR." But I'm tired of just waiting and coasting. By doing that I miss out on a lot of satisfaction that could be found along the way. So, I'm going to work on living in the moment and not focusing on the past or future. Not a small order, but I've gotta give it a shot.

Why am I here?

So, I decided that today I was going to take the day and just spend some QT with the Jeez. Lately I have been reading this book called "Changes that Heal." Cheesy title, yes, but it's still a good book. Today what I read was about taking responsibility for myself. I have been blaming the way things have gone recently for me on anyone but me. "Other people have been telling me to stay away from Haines." "Other people have told me what I should do." But I have a choice in it. I don't necessarily have to listen to what they are telling me.
So what I'm doing now, I'm doing for me. I'm living in Seattle because if I was in Haines I would be too tempted to get close to relationships that tell me what I should be doing. I'm living with my parents, not because I can't make it on my own, but because I will likely never have as good of a chance to save up money like this. I'm working at a job that I don't love because I am trying to make it a happier place to be and because I'm learning a lot about myself by being there... for example, I have no desire to have a desk job. I'm going to do something out there this summer because it wouldn't be good for me to be in Haines and because I can. I want to make the most of this time of my life when nothing is holding me back. So I'm gonna take a roadtrip to the Ben and Jerry's factory. I'm gonna go see Graceland and the world's biggest ball of yarn. I'm going to soak my feet in the Pacific Ocean, the Caribbean, the Atlantic Ocean, the Great Lakes, and a variety of bodies of water between all those.
For the next couple months, my life will have a bit of a routine to it. Work 35-40 hours a week, chill on the weekends, hang out with friends. But after that, your guess is as good as mine. Why the heck not?
I'm gonna steal the words of Jewel's new song... For a while "I'm gonna love myself / More than anyone else / Believe in me / Even if someone can't see / The stronger woman in me / I'm gonna be my own best friend / Stick with me till the end / Won't lose myself again / never, no / Cause theres a stronger woman / a stronger woman in me"
And for the record, some day I'm going to borrow lyrics from songs that Annie Parsons writes. Cuz someday, they're going to be all over the radio.

Random decision

I decided that I'm either going to the Caribbean for the summer, or I'm going to buy a Vespa and drive across the country. I'm pretty stoked about it. How cool would that be? I'd be like Harry and Lloyd...